


Newt Scamander Solemnly Swears

by pinchess07



Series: Code: BLUE COAT [4]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Newt Scamander, F/M, Gen, I just wanted more Newt & Theseus being brothers, Letters, Newt Scamander is not a criminal, Pickett - Freeform, The creatures are mentioned too, Theseus dares you to say it to his face, Theseus headcanon, Theseus takes care of the fallout every time, Think Mycroft-level politicking, fwooper - Freeform, he's like Newt's handler?, kneazle, nundu, to get Newt out of trouble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 03:09:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11958453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinchess07/pseuds/pinchess07
Summary: That he is up to no good, but Theseus Scamander made it legal, so it's okay.





	Newt Scamander Solemnly Swears

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'ed.

"You are hereby summoned to the Auror Headquarters, Level 2, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Ministry of Magic," Newt reads out loud from the pale violet paper airplane. There is no signature, but Theseus' handwriting is unmistakable. 

 _This is good_ , Newt thinks. It's not a Howler, so Theseus can't be that upset about Newt's latest rescued kneazle. He obediently trudges out of his cramped office corner and into the lift. The Office for House Elf Relocation, where he's currently employed, is run with a very hands-off approach by the Office Head. So hands-off, in fact, that he hadn't seen the Office Head at all in the two years that he's been there. Nothing ever happens in his department. House elf relocations happen maybe once in every ten years, if that. No one will notice him leaving the office, because no one else is there, just him. 

He takes the time to dust off his blue coat. Theseus had made the effort to sound at least a bit pompous and official in his missive, so this wasn't going to be a normal scolding.  

The voice in the lift announces " _Level two, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, including the Improper Use of Magic Office, Auror Headquarters, and Wizengamot Administration Services._ " 

He walks the familiar route to his brother's office, nodding at the few people who notice him and avoiding eye contact. Most of the people here are already aware of what he's here for, what with Theseus' almost weekly summons. He ought to hate the way he can get away with his lawbreaking just because he's the brother of the Head Auror, but he'll shamelessly take advantage of everything he can if he could save just one more innocent creature from harm. 

He knocks politely, just a light tap of his knuckles on Theseus' oak door.  

"Come on in, and close it behind you," Theseus shouts from inside. When Newt enters, Theseus is predictably frowning, his arms crossed across his chest as he leans on his desk. "At least try to look a little more guilty of your wrongdoings, won't you?" 

"Your face is liable to get stuck that way, you know," Newt teases. "And besides, I saved a kneazle's life. I can't see any reason why that should be considered a wrongdoing, Theseus." 

Theseus rolls his eyes. "The mouth on you. If other people knew about this, they'd see you differently." 

"They already do that anyway," Newt replies. "I might as well save the few creatures that I could. You'll notice I tried to minimize the damage this time." 

"The keyword is  _tried_ , Newt," Theseus replies flatly. 

"The kneazle panicked, and you can't blame her! She was being—"  

"Save it. I called you here because I finally managed to convince the Minister to sign this piece of parchment," Theseus grumbles, handing Newt an official looking scroll. "You are now legally a magizoologist. The first and only one in the world. The pay's shit. The work's even shittier, what with you needing to travel to where creatures need rescuing and—"  

 

Newt barrels into Theseus with all the force of a rampaging griffin, squeezing him tightly. "You did it! I can't believe you really did it!" Theseus hugs him back. They're not the touchy-feely sort, but this is a special occasion.  

A life-changing piece of parchment. 

"In exchange," Theseus drawls, shocking Newt enough that he jerks out of the hug with a comically betrayed expression. 

"What?" 

"In exchange," Theseus continues as though he wasn't interrupted, "Don't die." 

"Ah," Newt blurts out dumbly, gaping at his older brother. Theseus looks back at him, his expression serious and his mouth a flat white line. 

"If you think I haven't thought about this long and hard, you're wrong, Newt. You'll be on your own out there, essentially trying to play at being a Gryffindor. You won't have any backups, and you don't know how much that goes against all my instincts as an Auror and more importantly, as your older brother. I practically raised you, and now you're not only leaving the nest, you're diving straight into the gaping maw that is the magical black market." 

Newt continues gaping at Theseus silently. 

"There's a betting pool about how long you'll last," Theseus spits out. "Personally, I don't care how many creatures you save or not, as long as you stay alive, Newt Scamander. I've worked out an agreement with other magical governments around the globe to let you operate in their countries, but they won't be hurrying to help you either. So for the love of Merlin, Morgana, King Arthur, and the other knights of the Round Table, do me a favor and stay alive." 

Newt can't help the small lopsided smile on his face at this. "I will, Theseus." 

-x- 

 _Newton Artemis Fido Scamander!_  

 _Merlin's saggy ballsacks, what the bloody hell were you doing in Lithuania? Do you have any idea of the amount of bullshitting I had to do just to make sure you weren't thrown to jail or beheaded? And what do you do? You skip out the first thing in the morning, after all your responsible older brother did for you without even saying hello! Where are you? What are you doing? You better get your badger ass home by Yule or else I'll personally start the manhunt for you and your case of smuggled creatures!_  

 

Newt listens amusedly to Theseus' dulcet tones, imagining his brother gesticulating his frustration to no one in his empty office as he made the Howler. 

 

His newly-rescued fwooper, Andrew, hisses back at the animated parchment. The Howler blows a very loud raspberry in return, making Newt snort. He didn't want to leave without seeing Theseus, but he couldn't just leave Andrew, not so soon after rescuing him. The fwooper was liable to kill all his other creatures if wrongly-provoked. Theseus will understand. 

 

He'll send some of Andrew's naturally-shed magenta feathers to his brother in the meantime. Bribery works wonders for Theseus, especially if the items could be used to woo Theseus' woman of choice. 

 

-x- 

 

 _The way Ameeta, you know, the little girl you took on your hike up the mountain? The way she tells it, you had the nundu eating out of your palm and rubbing itself on your legs and purring, not an hour after you found it. You have no idea how the Indian Aurors blanched when they heard that. You had to be there. Their expressions, I swear. I'm still chuckling. Ameeta probably thinks nundus and kneazles are related now. It's all she can talk about. Do me a favor and send me a picture of you and the nundu cuddling so I can put it on my desk at the office._  

 

Newt grins, putting down the letter that he'd been reading out loud to Nancy the nundu. Nancy yawns, before putting her head back down over Newt's legs. Newt scratches her chin fondly, making a mental note to buy a camera the next time he passes by a shop that sells them. 

 

-x- 

 

Newt squints at the parchment in his hand. It's a rougher than the kind of parchment that Theseus usually sends, and it also carries the faint scent of cinnamon. The handwriting on it is delicate and unfamiliar. He still opens it warily after the assortment of spells he'd cast on it earlier to . 

 

 _Newt Scamander,_  

 

 _My name is Imana. We've never met, but I learned of your existence from your brother, Theseus. He'd gifted me a set of fwooper quills, you see, and I'd demanded to know where he got them. Our family owns a patch of land with a small forest on it. Fwoopers live there, and they're my favorite animals. Anyway, I know enough about fwoopers, and I know that if fwooper feathers are plucked off to make quills, the bird suffers for at least a week as the feather grows back._  

 

 _Theseus seemed pretty sure that you weren't plucking these feathers off your fwooper. I will judge that for myself. I demand a meeting on the eve of Yule at the Leaky Cauldron. Theseus admitted that you do make a point to visit him around that time of the year, so you won't have the excuse of having a previous engagement._  

 

 _Hoping Theseus wasn't lying,_  

 

 _Imana_  

 

Newt finishes reading the letter in trepidation. He shares a glance with Pickett, who's in his shoulder in the perfect vantage point to read the letter as well. Pickett shrugs. Newt sets Imana's letter aside and opens the one from Theseus. 

 

 _Newt,_  

 

 _I met someone. She knits magical garments and her knitting needles look absolutely lethal. She threatened to castrate me with them over your fwooper's imaginary suffering because apparently plucking quills from a fwooper hurts them. I'm gonna marry this wonderful woman. She doesn't know it yet, but that doesn't matter. Come meet her on the eve of Yule._  

 

 _Theseus_  

 

 _P.S._  

 _You'll be my best man, won't you?_  

 

 _P.P.S._  

 _Do take care to minimize your mischief in France, will you? I smoothed everything over, the last time with the demiguise. But the French Head Auror, Jacques? Jean? He's still frothing at the mouth from how easily you outwitted his minions. The minions themselves don't have any grudges against you, not after I bribed them with you-know-whats._  

 

Newt glances back at Pickett.  

 

"Well, Pickett, seems like I'm meeting my future sister-in-law the next time I go back to Britain," Newt muses. 

 

-x- 

 

"Just, just get in there. You and I both know this kind of destruction's not something to ignore," Theseus grouses. He's currently a floating head over the fireplace of Newt's hotel room. "Graves rebuffed all my attempts to help, which is incredibly rude and incredibly fishy. As always, I'll be ready for the cleanup and all the fast-talking and the politics in the aftermath. Do everything you can to keep it from the Muggle newspapers, won't you? We don't want another Salem witch hunt." 

 

Newt nods solemnly. The matter is serious enough to make Theseus forego a letter, what with the mysterious destruction of New York streets bearing all the signs of an Obscurus on the rampage. 

 

Suddenly, a female voice comes from Theseus' side of the fireplace. "I'm expecting you in time for Yule this year, you hear me, Newton? You're not allowed to get yourself hospitalized or jailed or dead, you understand me? I'll not have a repeat of last year when you arrived a week late with a broken arm!" 

 

"Loud and clear, Imana," Newt replies. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! Also, what Theseus headcanons do you have? This is my favorite way to write Theseus, and I'm hoping he's not a complete asshole in the movie...


End file.
